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Tinkleton Dingleberry and the Fire Hydrant Theory

Posted June 10, 2008

A question for women: Are YOU Tinkleton Dingleberry? No, you say? Ah, but are you 100% sure?

Tinkleton Dingleberry is kind of like Robert Goulet in that Emerald Nuts commercial - the one where he invades the office at 4 pm each day and "messes with your stuff." RIP Goulet, but there's a new offender - or perhaps, a not-so-new offender, depending on how long you've been among the ranks of Real Worlders. It seems like Tinkleton Dingleberry is a much worse threat to the well-being of female society - she can strike at any moment, any place, without any warning.

In the Real World, nobody treats public bathrooms as if they are their own. For sure, most people wouldn't do half the crazy things you see in public restrooms - 'specially not if it was in their mama's house. Cause we all know mama would slap you silly for writing your phone number on a bathroom wall. Mama wouldn't stand for you leaving toilet paper strewn about everywhere but in the toilet. And most of all - MOST OF ALL - mama would NOT consider it kosher for you to pull a "Tinkleton Dingleberry."

Naturally, considering the gross humor of the name itself, you can probably infer what the TD maneuver is. That's when someone leaves a little mess on the seat (of either numerical designation). Not cool, not cool, not cool.

Somehow, I find myself wondering if this isn't the human equivalent of dogs & fire hydrants. I can never be sure, and after the creation of shows like "Flava of Love" (I, II, and III) and "Tila Tequila's A Shot at Love," my faith in the mental sophistication of humanity is failing anyways.

I'll be honest: I'm not someone who really cares for those stupid seat covers that they're pushing nowadays. Why? For one thing, if there is something on the seat already, all it's going to do is soak through those things. Not to mention, they're all too much like that scratchy bed covering on the doctor's exam tables. You know, that white paper that - after your exam is over - you get up and look at and gasp "OH MY GOSH, there is NO WAY that my rear leaves that big an imprint!" It's just bad memories all around. Not good.

But the real problem I'm seeing now is women who use the seat covers, pull a Tinkleton Dingleberry, and then LEAVE the seat covers ON the toilet. Now really, ladies: that is like sticking a half-used Kleenex back in the box ("It was a very small sneeze!").

Then there's the flushing issue. If the toilet doesn't flush the first time, try, try again. This is the same principle on which most of us found a significant other - if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Why would you not apply the same logic to the very simple act of flushing?

Finally, I must push the idea of the sisterly warning. Whether you are the perpetrator or not is immaterial to me. If you are washing your hands and some woman walks into the war zone (I mean stall) that you just came running and screaming out of, give a girl a warning! Even something as simple as "I don't think you wanna go in there..." or "there hasn't been toilet paper in that one since the Clinton Administration" would suffice. But be it not for us to allow continuous lavatorial crimes against humanity to be committed within our own ranks.